After just about a decade of waiting, it’s finally happened. We now have a proper, honest-to-God Lindsay Lohan nude scene. Three of them, in fact, all from this year’s The Canyons, an erotic thriller penned by American Psycho’s Bret Easton Ellis and directed by drama king Paul Schrader. I’ll get back to those guys later, but right now, some of you are probably wondering why I’m making such a fuss about this being the coked-out actress’ first nude scene when she had one in Robert Rodriguez’ Machete, a film I’d even previously covered. Well, as you can see from that one, even though there a few hints of nipple, for the most part, the nudity is very scarce and largely covered up. The Canyons does not suffer from that problem… at all.
But hey, if you want to be pedantic, we can all at least agree that this features the first Lindsay Lohan sex scene. No, wait, that’s actually debatable too. For the amount of sex this movie does feature, the Mean Girls star doesn’t actually get any penises (penii? penes?) inserted into her at any time during the 100-some minutes. Or not it a way that’s clearly visible, at least. There are moments in the very dark third nude scene where she may or may not be getting railed, but it’s kinda hard to make out which shadow is her, which shadow is her co-star Lily LaBeau, and which shadow is a table. Don’t let that discourage you, though. There’s still plenty of nudity to go around. Let’s start from the beginning.
We first see Lindsay Lohan naked when her boyfriend, played by porn star James Deen, invites another dude to come over and watch them go at it. After getting a flash of penis from said voyeur, we get a great shot of a topless Lohan lying on a couch. She sits up slowly, bringing her tits out in full view, and proceeds to get eaten out by her man while the other guy watches and beats off, clearly a reflection of the audience. The second nude scene we have from her is the shortest of the three, a mere ten or so seconds of her rubbing up and down her naked body in the shower. There was a great opportunity to go full frontal here, but sadly, the movie fails to do so. I suppose it’s kind of ironic that it’s Lilo’s nudity that’s bringing 95% of the viewers for the film, and yet, of all of the actors, male and female, that go full frontal in it, she’s not one of them.
Anyway, the last time we see Lindsay Lohan’s boobs is when a couple show up for a foursome. A completely nude James Deen, dick flopping and all, brings out the similarly-streaking couple and introduces them to his lingerie-clad girlfriend, who begins removing her bra, putting her nice big breasts out on display. The rest of the scene will probably result in mixed feelings if you’re watching this for the nudity. On one hand, it’s a whopping two minutes long, by far the longest of the three of Lindsay Lohan’s topless scenes in the film. On the other hand, it’s in a nigh-pitch black room that’s only barely lit by some fucking rave lasers or some shit like that, spotting the room with moving colored points of light and only the occasional bright flash to give us a hint as to what’s going on. Still, in these moments, you can clearly make out the nudity, so it’s all good in the end.
OK, so I commented on the broad résumés of the director and screenwriter in the opening paragraph. This really caught my attention because since this movie was released, it’s been getting slaughtered in reviews. I mean, seriously, go to Google or IMDB or RottenTomatoes or something and look up some of the reviews for The Canyons. They are merciless with their near-unanimity regarding the apparent shittiness of it. The odd thing is, I didn’t think it was that bad. All right, I admit I only watched it for the nudity, and it’s probably not gonna be lining up at the Oscars next year, but people are really overreacting as to how bad it is. It’s actually sufficiently watchable. Don’t expect a miracle, but don’t expect the turd the internet is making it out to be either.
But if you just want a quick peek at the Lindsay Lohan nude scenes right now, you can check out the video and caps below. I’ve edited the three scenes into one clip since the first two are so short, but otherwise, it’s all there. Fap away!