Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez – Machete – Blu-ray

Jessica Alba in the shower in the nude scene from Machete

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Well, that’s all you’re gonna get out of Jessica Alba. It seems the closest she’s willing to get to breaking her no nudity streak is a painfully short shot from the side with all the good bits covered, and even that’s rumored to be a fake. It does, however, fit in with the theme of this final post in the three part series on Machete – gratuitous, exploitative audience service without actual explicit nudity.

Michelle Rodriguez in the almost nude scene from Machete

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The movie is better known for this for the entire chapter dedicated to Michelle Rodriguez running around in a bikini top and an eyepatch, shooting people and interrogating a senator. Glorious piece of cinema history. I guess it would have been better without the bra, but that argument probably goes for every movie ever made. Besides, like Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez is one of those actresses that don’t sell nude scenes for roles, so this is the best we’re gonna get.

Michelle Rodriguez in a hot leather bikini costume in Machete

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Or is it? Principal photography for Machete Kills – the sequel – has already been completed, and the new film will apparently be R-rated like its predecessor. That’s not the best part, though. Machete Kills will also feature an expanded all-star cast. Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen, Antonia Banderas and Cuba Gooding Jr are all set to star, as are Vanessa Hudgens, Lady Gaga, Amber Heard (bottom left) and Alexa Vega (bottom right). Here’s to hoping the latter group deliver a great performance. And by “great”, I mean full of unnecessary nudity.

Amber Heard as Miss San Antonio in Machete KillsAlexa Vega almost naked in a maybe nude scene in new movie Machete Kills
Images courtesy of IMDB.com

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The Jessica Alba scene is too short for video and the sequel hasn’t been released, but enjoy some under-dressed gunfights featuring Michelle Rodriguez with the clip and caps below.

Download the video clip: UOA (6 links) ? [what is this?]
Length: 02:03
Size: 146 MB
Password: faptuary.net

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Lindsay Lohan – Machete – Blu-ray

Lindsay Lohan great boobs in the topless scene in Machete

UPDATE: See Lindsay Lohan nude in The Canyons here!

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In part two of this three part special, we’ll take a very close look at the theatrical stylings of Lindsay Lohan. And when I say theatrical stylings, I’m of course talking about her tits. Indeed, the Lohan has been rather camera-shy when it comes to nudity. With most of the past decade lost on waiting for leaked picture like the ones that burned half of Disney’s line-up, Lindsay Lohan finally did a proper nude photo shoot for Playboy, mirroring Marilyn Monroe’s one.

Lindsay Lohan in the nude scene in Machete

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Before the Playboy shoot and after all her legal troubles, court dates and jail time, though, Lindsay Lohan was in Machete, in which she had a nude scene. Now, the reason this went over most people’s heads is because it was reported early on that the movie contains a nude scene featuring Lohan’s body double. You can see a screencap of that below, alongside Alicia Marek who inexplicably plays the mother of someone only a decade younger than her.

Lindsay Lohan's body double in the fake pool sex scene with Alicia Marek in Machete

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The scene featured here, however, is Lindsay Lohan au naturel. At first it looks like her hair is covering the goods, but if you look really, really closely, it sways out of the way enough times that you can confirm she’s not wearing any sort of nude bra or even pasties. Clip and caps below. Enjoy.

Download the video clip: UOA (6 links) ? [what is this?]
Length: 00:40
Size: 75 MB
Password: faptuary.net

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Mayra Leal – Machete – Blu-ray

Mayra Leal nude in Machete

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This really is a great movie for nudity, enough so that this post is the first of what will be a three part special dedicated to the Robert Rodriguez film, Machete. Right off the bat, less than three minutes into the film, we get our first remote handjob from the filmmakers. Danny Trejo’s character, after gratuitously killing a herd of generic henchmen, bursts into a room occupied by the beautiful Mayra Leal, who is bare-ass naked and remains so for all two minutes of her screentime.

Mayra Leal naked and spreading her legs

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Machete shines out like a diamond in a sea of shit for the simple fact that it doesn’t take itself too seriously. The film is delightfully devoid of all of the stupid tropes that make modern films obnoxious, and full of all of the stupid tropes that made 70s and 80s cinema so entertaining. Even Steven Seagal features in yet another ethnically-mismatched role as a Mexican drug lord. This movie is the equivalent to a big, juicy cheeseburger next to a tiny slice of veal on an ornate plate and definitely recommended if you just want to sit back and chill over a few beers.

Mayra Leal with Steven Seagal in Machete

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You’ll notice that the video quality isn’t as crisp as it could be for a blu-ray, but that’s because the opening scene is shot (or filtered) in an old-school manner, presumably to set the mood, theater noises and all. Clip and caps are below.

Download the video clip: UOA (6 links) ? [what is this?]
Length: 01:39
Size: 184 MB
Password: faptuary.net

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